


Lost in the Plot

by FakePlastikTrees



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-26 04:13:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13849854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FakePlastikTrees/pseuds/FakePlastikTrees
Summary: Olivia is sad after Barba leaves, Amanda helps the best way she can.





	Lost in the Plot

**Author's Note:**

> Be forewarned this was in my drafts under the title "sad gay shit". I recognize it won't be everyone's cup of tea but after watching 19x14, I had two thoughts.  
> 1\. Fuck, Liv looks sad.  
> and  
> 2\. Fuck, Amanda is GAY for Liv.

It happens the way she had always thought it would, not the way she wanted it to, but the only way it could. 

 

The kids are asleep in Noah’s room, the tv is on, though the volume is so low it might as well be off. As Amanda’s wiping down the kitchen table, she makes some off-handed comment about bookends, and that’s when Liv starts to cry; deep, painful sobs she’s trying hard to stifle and which are clearly a long time coming. 

 

Amanda doesn’t have to ask to know it’s about Barba. 

 

She holds her, assures her he’ll be back, though she secretly hopes he won’t be--her own feelings about him are complicated--and rubs her back, reminds her of all the good things she’s got, that she’s been through worse and that he’s an asshole for leaving the way he did. Amanda doesn’t have all the info on them and she’s never wanted to know it because she learned fairly quickly that with Liv, being on the peripheral of her love life was probably the safest seat in the house, considering all she’s ever wanted was to be front and center. 

 

She dries her tears with a dish towel, tells her she’s beautiful, because she is and because she has little control over her mouth when she’s this close to her.

 

She kisses Olivia Benson in the kitchen while their children are sleeping and Amanda wonders what she’s going to do if this turns bad. 

 

Liv looks shocked but not all that surprised.

 

“It’s okay,” Amanda says, and kisses Liv again, and again. She wants her to know she knows this isn't’ about her or them, that it’s comfort; she hopes it translates. She thinks maybe it’s pathetic that she’s taking what little she can get, but she doesn't care because she’s kissing Olivia benson and she is so close, and so warm, and her hair is so soft.

 

She’s lost count of how many times and how many nights she’s spent thinking about her, in how many different scenarios.

 

They fall into her bed somewhere around 10, and while Amanda would love nothing more than to spend the night committing the map of Olivia’s body to memory, she’s allowed but a moment of that before she’s pinned to the bed and at the mercy of Olivia’s hands, her mouth. 

 

She does all the right things, and while she won’t look at Amanda, Olivia listens for every sigh and moan and it’s too mechanical, impersonal. 

 

Liv’s hands are gentle, her mouth, her tongue are generous . By all means and purposes, she knows what to do, that much is obvious, but she won’t look at her and every attempt Amanda makes to get her attention is dodged by a touch, or a kiss, or careful swipe of her tongue that brings on a second orgasm. It isn’t until she pins her down that she manages a look at her face for the first time since the kitchen. 

 

“Hey, hey, stop,” she says and pulls back when Liv tries to take the reins from her. She pins her wrists down but quickly lets them go when panic flashes before her eyes.

 

Breathlessly and still reeling from her release, Amanda leans over Olivia, careful to keep some of her weight off her, the last thing she wants is to make her feel trapped, but that’s the way she looks at her when their eyes finally meet; she looks up at Amanda like a trapped animal, like she’s going to bolt any minute.

 

“I know,” Amanda starts, brushing the hair out of Liv’s eyes. She isn’t even sure what she’s trying to say exactly, but she thinks if she keeps talking it will be okay. “You don’t have to--it’s okay,” she murmurs, kisses Liv’s cheeks, her neck and chest, whispering sweet nothings against her skin as she goes until Liv relaxes under her touch. “Just let me take care of you.”

 

She tastes like heaven.

 

If it doesn’t happen again, Amanda knows she’ll have this to hold onto; the way her body angles towards her mouth, her bare skin--the whisper of her name when she comes. 

 

Amanda leaves tender kisses as she makes her way up Liv’s body, pulling the covers over them both. When she reaches her shoulder and Liv turns away to wipe a stray tear from the corner of her eye, Amanda knows she’s thinking of him. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Liv says, and then turns her body fully so they’re facing each other. Her chin quivers as she reaches out to touch Amanda’s cheek, “Amanda, I’m so sorry. This was--I’m a terrible person, I shouldn’t have let this happen.”

 

“It’s okay,” Amanda tells her, and smiles, even as she swallows the lump in her throat. “I’m a big girl, I know what I’m doing.” She leans into Liv’s touch and kisses her palm. “We’re okay. I’m here for you. Any way you need me.” 

 

She can see her words register in Liv’s eyes, can see her mind digesting it, considering it and then dismissing it. 

 

She leans in and kisses her, lingering there. She doesn’t say it, but Amanda knows this won’t happen again.

 

Still, no one can stop her from hoping, even if she has to wait in the sidelines. 


End file.
